Building the character you want to have

It is so hard being between worlds. On the one hand, I am highly intelligent n have accomplished amazing things for someone who was born with a severe disability. My successes make grappling with my flaws — interpersonal skills — all the more unexpected to those I interact and daunting for me to get under control. What I have achieved came from a ‘bull in the china store” approach to life. I may achieve my goal, but have no regard for the debris that in left in my wake. When I do take the time to look around, I am horrified to see what I have done.

I went to college at the University of California, Berkeley. Both the university and the city are viewed as Mecca for people with disabilities. It was the birthplace of the independent living movement, and is one of the most progressive cities to this day. I mention Berkeley because when I toured the campus, I was told something that I remember to this day:

“Here at Berkeley, an asshole in a wheelchair is still an asshole.”

That is often not the case. I really and truly do not want to be a self-absorbed schmuck, but it is hard to know how to truly reciprocate friendship/love when it has never been expected of you at any real level. Even though I say I want relationships that ignore the disability, I do not know how to act when I have obtained it. Knowing how to be an equal when you are often not viewed as one is a very hard thing. True equality is not just about rights and privileges, but also about expectations and obligations. These are hard to learn, and even more difficult to sustain.