Restraint & being heard

I have refrained — for the most part — from writing entries that are too “journal-esque” because I have wanted to present a more professional image. That has been a mistake, and has lead me not to post about anything. That is a mistake, and is going to charge. I have said that before, and this time I mean it.

I am having one of my “moods” right now — and I am trying a new coping strategy: writing about it. My moods come when I feel unheard or misunderstood AND feel hopeless/frustrated with where I am going in the many parts of my life. I have a full body visceral reaction, and lash out physically, emotionally, and intellectually with the notion that it can assuage my emotions by attracting comfort and support.

Unfortunately, the long-term effects are the complete opposite. In my quest to be heard and understood, my verbal and written attacks end up alienating family, friends, and coworkers. I don’t know which is worse: knowing people are not listening to you, or not having people in your life that choose to not listen to you? I am quickly finding myself in the latter, and it is a scary, lonely place to be.

Listen is actually not the right word. It is more appreciate, validate, and use my ideas. I think, quite honestly, that the real reason why I have these moods is that I often do not give myself these things that I am asking/wanting from others. My anger is really sadness and fear with myself. I have many ideas and dreams for my own life, but I am often immobilized by fear. I need to break the cycle, I just don’t know how.

As I am fond of saying to others: Just get out of your own fuckin’ way.